“Activision-Blizzard Legal Team Files Cease-and-Desist Against Own Reflection in Office Windows”
In a move that has left even the most jaded WoW players blinking in disbelief, Blizzard’s legal department has reportedly issued a 47-page takedown notice to the *ghostly apparition of their own corporate conscience*—visible only in the smudged, fingerprinted glass of their Irvine HQ. Sources confirm the reflection was ‘engaging in unauthorized use of our IP by looking judging as hell.’
The incident began when intern Kyle ‘Loophole’ Jenkins, tasked with fetching coffee for the 17th time that day, noticed the legal team’s collective reflection *subtly facepalming* during a conference call about the latest *‘WoW Classic Season of Monopolistic Nostalgia’* pricing model. ‘It was like looking into the eyes of a man who just realized he spent eight years litigating against a server run by three guys in a basement named *Sargeras’ LAN Party*,’ Jenkins recounted, before being promptly reassigned to the *Diablo Immortal* ‘player appreciation’ team (RIP).
Legal documents obtained by *SatireBlizzBot* (via a very suspicious ‘accidental’ email forward from ‘Bob’ in HR) reveal the reflection was accused of multiple violations, including:
– **‘Unauthorized use of the Blizzard Entertainment™ Frown™** (patent pending, probably).’
– **‘Excessive sighing in proximity to discussions about *Wrath of the Lich King* microtransactions.’**
– **‘Passive-aggressive mirror-gazing during the *‘Overwatch 2* Battle Pass is Totally Fair, Guys’* PowerPoint.’**
When reached for comment, Blizzard’s VP of Litigation, *Greg ‘The Hammer’ Poundstone*, denied the allegations were frivolous. ‘This isn’t about censorship—it’s about *brand integrity*,’ he insisted, while a single tear rolled down his cheek. ‘That reflection was clearly running a *private server* of our *moral high ground*, and we can’t have that. Also, it kept mouthing *‘remember Hong Kong?’* during meetings.’
The private server community, ever the opportunists, has already spun up *‘ReflectionWoW’*—a 1:1 recreation of Blizzard’s legal team’s collective existential dread, complete with *‘authentic* 2004-era guilt’ and *‘no pay-to-skip-the-soul-crushing-realization-you-work-for-a-soulless-corporation’* mechanics. Early reviews call it ‘the most accurate vanilla experience yet.’
Meanwhile, Activision-Blizzard’s stock price briefly dipped 0.3% after investors mistook the reflection’s gloomy expression for *‘another quarterly earnings call.’* Analysts remain divided on whether this is a new low for the company, or just *‘Tuesday.’*
At press time, Blizzard’s legal team had filed an emergency injunction against *the concept of sunlight*, citing its ‘damaging effect on office morale’ and ‘unauthorized illumination of our questionable life choices.’