Blizzard Sics Legal Team on Turtle WoW After BlizzCon Fiasco—Cave-Dwelling Devs, Blood Elf Interns, and Bobby “Jabba” Kotick Unleashed
September 1, 2025 | Azeroth eQuirer
It’s official: the real reason Blizzard is coming for Turtle WoW isn’t copyright—it’s envy, scandal, and a mounting pile of unwashed dice. Sources confirm the entire legal onslaught was hatched at the world’s most notorious convention-turned-sexual-harassment-extravaganza: BlizzCon.
BlizzCon: Where HR Policies Go to Die
Every November, Anaheim transforms into a den of debauchery as Blizzard’s legal team, clad in poorly-fitted cosplay suits, ditch their wives and children at home for a week of “discovery”—mostly in the arms of unclean Blood Elf interns whose “NDAs” are written in lipstick on the back of vendor napkins.
“You know it’s BlizzCon when the HR department shows up in full plate armor,” quipped one exhausted janitor. “I found more used scrolls of Summon Litigation than empty Red Bulls this year.”
Bobby Kotick: The Slug King Emerges
Eyewitnesses report Bobby Kotick slithering through the event halls like Jabba the Hutt, clutching gold coins and muttering about “monetizing air itself.” At one afterparty, Kotick was seen demanding a blood elf intern “dance for his amusement,” while several murloc lawyers fanned him with cease & desist orders and the faint aroma of court-ordered cologne.
Devs Gone Wild: Drunken Troggs on the Prowl
Meanwhile, the Blizzard dev pit—affectionately called “the Cave”—became ground zero for social disaster as pimply, cave-dwelling troggs in company t-shirts tried their luck with every male orc peon within a ten-foot radius.
“They kept mumbling about ‘server-side hotfixes’ and asking to see my weapon skill,” said one traumatized orc. “By midnight, HR was casting Fear on the whole room.”
Legal Jealousy: “Why Can’t We Have Real Players?”
After three days of failed conquests, two harassment investigations, and zero actual fun, Blizzard’s legal braintrust allegedly stormed out—stopping only to ask, “Why does Turtle WoW have happier players, better loot, and no bots?” When told the answer was “competence and community,” they reportedly screamed, “SUE THEM ALL!”
Turtle WoW Statement: “We Don’t Even Have a Jabba”
Turtle WoW’s response was blunt:
“We’re sorry Blizzard’s legal team had a rough weekend, but here our staff actually plays the game and our HR department isn’t a raid boss. Maybe if they fixed retail instead of chasing us, people wouldn’t log out forever.”
At press time, Bobby Kotick was last seen attempting to bribe a succubus with six gold and a copy of his memoir, “The Shareholder Always Wins.”