EEOC Sues Blizzard for Toxic Workplace—Turtle WoW’s Only Policy: “Don’t Be a Dick”
September 1, 2025 | Azeroth eQuirer
BREAKING: After years of “frat house chic” and a workflow modeled after keggers, Activision Blizzard has been slapped with another lawsuit—this time from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). The result? An eye-watering $18 million settlement and a promise to “maybe try harder” in the future.
Blizzard’s Legal Dream Team: A Swarm of Murlocs in Suits
Eyewitnesses say the moment the EEOC filed suit, Blizzard’s legal team—an elite squad of murlocs in oversized ties—stormed the courthouse, grunting “Muurgggglll!” while waving briefcases stuffed with expired loot codes.
“When asked for a legal response, they just flopped around and bubbled,” reported one EEOC attorney. “At one point, a murloc tried to eat the court reporter’s pencil. It was, frankly, the most competent moment of Blizzard’s entire defense.”
$18 Million: The Cost of “Epic Failure”
Blizzard issued a press release promising to “do better,” then immediately spent $17 million on loot boxes for the C-suite and a lifetime supply of HR-friendly beer koozies.
“$18 million? That’s just Tuesday’s auction house scam revenue,” whispered one goblin accountant. “If only treating people with respect was as easy as selling mounts.”
Turtle WoW Responds: “Our Only Culture Is ‘Don’t Be a Dick’”
Across the pond, Turtle WoW issued a refreshingly simple statement:
“We don’t need a settlement fund because our entire workplace policy is: ‘Don’t be a dick.’ Doesn’t matter if you’re an orc, dwarf, or murloc. If you’re a jerk, you’re benched.”
When asked about EEOC compliance, Turtle WoW’s HR gnome simply shrugged:
“We don’t have murlocs in legal, we have humans in Discord. It works.”
Meanwhile, At Blizzard: “Mandatory Murloc Sensitivity Training”
In a frantic attempt to restore public trust, Blizzard’s HR team announced a new initiative:
- Mandatory Murloc Sensitivity Training
- Quarterly “Don’t Be Gross” seminars
- A hotline for reporting “suspicious gurgling noises” in the breakroom
At press time, Blizzard’s lead counsel was last seen attempting to settle the next lawsuit with a gift card and a handful of fish oil tablets.