BLIZZARD LEGAL TEAM INVENTS NEW LAW: ’IF WE DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE BUG, IT’S ACTUALLY A FEATURE (AND ALSO YOUR FAULT)’
In a groundbreaking legal strategy that somehow *wasn’t* immediately thrown out by a judge who’s played *World of Warcraft* before, Blizzard’s crack squad of lawyers has declared that all past, present, and future scandals are now retroactively classified as ’emergent gameplay.’ Players are, of course, *thrilled*—mostly because they’ve been conditioned to accept ’Class Action Settlement: 30 Days of Game Time’ as a fair trade for their soul.
The revelation came during a closed-door deposition where Blizzard’s lead counsel, **’Barry ’Loophole’ Goldshire’**, argued that the company’s infamous culture of crunch, harassment lawsuits, and *’oops, all microtransactions’* were simply ’unintended side effects of the Blizzard Authenticator not being installed on our HR department’s morals.’ When pressed for details, Goldshire reportedly pulled out a *’Vanilla WoW Beta NDA’* from 1998 and claimed it covered ’all future embarrassment, including but not limited to: Diablo Immortal, Warcraft 3 Reforged, and whatever the hell *Overwatch 2* is supposed to be.’
Legal experts—well, *one* guy who once watched *Suits* while farming Zul’Gurub—say this defense hinges on Blizzard’s patented **’Patch Notes Logic’**, wherein any problem can be handwaved away if you bury the fix in 12 pages of notes about ’Slightly adjusted the hitbox on a dagger no one uses.’ ’It’s the same energy as when they ’fixed’ Titanforging by making it worse and then calling it *’player feedback,’*’ said an anonymous Jaina cosplayer who definitely isn’t a Blizzard intern.
Meanwhile, in the private server scene, Blizzard’s war on *’unauthorized nostalgia’* has reached peak absurdity. After shutting down *’Classic WoW but with Working Hitboxes’* for the third time this month, Blizzard issued a statement reminding players that the *only* legal way to experience old Azeroth is through their **’Official Time-Limited $60 Battle Pass: Relive the Glory (But Not the Bugs, Those Are Ours)’**—a product so cynical it makes the *Cash Shop Mount that’s Just a Reskinned Wolf* look like a charity drive.
When asked for comment, a Blizzard spokesperson provided a 47-page document titled **’Why You’re Wrong (And Also We Own ’Fun’ Now): A Legal Primer’**, before clarifying that *’any criticism of Blizzard is technically a violation of the WoW EULA, which you agreed to by existing in the same dimension as our games.’* At press time, sources confirm the legal team is already drafting a motion to copyright the phrase *’Blizzard, please’*—royalties to be paid in *’WoW Tokens or your firstborn, whichever is more liquid.’*
Stay tuned for our next investigative bombshell: **’ACTIVISION-BLIZZARD Q2 EARNINGS CALL REVEALED TO BE JUST BOBBY KOTICK WHISPERING ’*You Could Be Farming Right Now*’ INTO A MICROPHONE FOR 45 MINUTES.’**