BLIZZARD LEGAL TEAM INVENTS NEW LAW: ’IF WE DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE THE BUG, IT’S ACTUALLY A FEATURE (AND SO ARE OUR CRIMES)’
In a groundbreaking legal strategy that somehow *wasn’t* immediately thrown out by a judge laughing so hard they pulled a muscle, Blizzard’s attorneys have formally argued that any misconduct not explicitly patched in the *Terms of Service* is, in fact, *’part of the game’s intended design.’* Sources confirm the filing included a 27-page appendix titled *’But Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again?’*
The bombshell motion, submitted during an ongoing lawsuit over workplace conditions that make the Barrens Chat look like a *healthy* social environment, hinges on a novel interpretation of Blizzard’s own EULA. ’If we didn’t *explicitly* ban toxic behavior in Section 8.3(b), then technically, it’s just *emergent gameplay*,’ argued lead counsel *’Goldshire Stalker’* (real name redacted to protect the guilty). ’Just like how we never *officially* confirmed that Illidan’s hair was a wig, we never *officially* confirmed that our HR department wasn’t a WoW LFG group gone wrong.’
Legal scholars are divided, though most agree the strategy is *’about as sound as a Paladin tank in Classic.’* ’They’re essentially arguing that if they don’t *say* the floor is lava, then you can’t sue them when you burn your feet,’ said Harvard Law professor and *former* WoW addict Dr. Elena Rivers. ’It’s the same logic that lets them sell $25 mounts with clipping issues and call it *’artistic vision.’’*
Meanwhile, in the private server scene, Blizzard’s crackdown on *’unauthorized nostalgia’* has reached peak absurdity. After issuing a cease-and-desist to *’VanillaWowButItsJustTaurens.com’*—a server where players roleplay as exclusively Tauren farmers—Blizzard’s legal team was forced to clarify that *’yes, even peaceful bovine agrarian communes are a threat to our monetization strategy.’* The server’s admin, a man who goes by *’Moo’damus,’* responded by filing a countersuit alleging that Blizzard’s *actual* crime was ’making Tauren hitboxes worse in every expansion.’
The cherry on this dumpster fire? Blizzard’s lawyers accidentally CC’d the entire *WoW Classic* dev team on an email chain where they referred to the game’s bugs as *’job security.’* When reached for comment, a Blizzard rep stated, *’We take these allegations seriously, which is why we’ve assigned our top investigators—the same ones who still haven’t figured out how to fix the *’Failed to Load Character List’* error.’*
In related news, Activision Blizzard’s stock price briefly surged after rumors spread that the company was considering a *’Battle Pass for Lawsuits,’* where shareholders could unlock exclusive *’Deposition Cosmetics’* for a limited-time fee. Analysts predict the next earnings call will feature Bobby Kotick in full *’Trial of the Crusader’* raid gear, dodging questions like *’Icehowl’s Frost Breath.’*
Stay tuned for our next exposé: **’BLIZZARD CONFIRMS: THE REAL REASON THEY KEEP REUSING OLD ASSETS IS BECAUSE THEIR LAWYERS STOLE THE ORIGINAL FILES IN THE DIVORCE.’**